ana15a

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The cracks in the ceiling…


Anna realised one thing. Her little princess was gone. Along with dreams and feelings. In Xena’s place, all that was left was a big hollow. Anna felt empty. The baby’s cot was empty, her arms were empty, the place where her child had grown in the past 9 months was empty, and her heart was empty.
Somehow, the rebuilding had to start somewhere. Anna summoned up the courage to text and email all her friends and family that her baby was gone. The calls, texts and visits flowed. But all Anna really wanted was to be alone and cry. In reality, even though she put on a brave front, Anna wanted to be dead with her little girl.

She emailed Guy to tell him what happened – very briefly – and he called. The first ten calls, she just stared at her ringing phone. On the eleventh call, she finally took his call. He cared for her, and was genuinely worried, but she wasn’t in a situation to reach out for him, even though she knew that he would protect her from herself and everyone else. She kept the conversation brief and formal, hung up and went back to her grieving.

She reached out to Zach and cried, non stop for hours. She couldn’t speak, she just let the tears flow. Zach held her, speechless. They were both in so much pain. They had planned so much around this little girl, now she was gone. They had no idea what to do. They had to go on.

The day after the funeral, Anna refused to see or talk to anyone. She stayed in her room crying. She truly felt that her life was over. Zach kept her company and was there for her.

By the next day, she had to make an effort but had no strength. Her mum found her on the floor crying and all Anna said to Haddie was “Please let me die as well”. Over and over again. Anna really was heartbroken. She had never felt like this in her life before and no one could help her but herself.

Anna tried reaching out to Zach, but he shut her out. He was in pain as well, but refused to share his feelings with her. Anna alternanted between insomnia and really bad nightmares where she woke up screaming in tears for her dead baby. She felt that life had been extremely cruel to her, but somehow had to go on.

Anna began spending more and more time with her parents, and less with Zach. He never spoke much to her about Xena, and when Anna brought up the subject his reply was always the same, “she’s gone Anna, let her be. Accept it and let her go.” Xena was never up for discussion, no matter how Anna felt.

Anna and Zach could not go 24hours without fighting and Anna ending up in tears. She ended up turning to Guy, for advice, for support, for his friendship. They spoke on email regularly, and Anna mentioned that she wanted to leave Zach as the situation was becoming unbearable.

Anna felt that all she was to Zach was someone to cook, keep the house clean and sleep with. There was no love left, no friendship, no companionship. She felt like she was living with a stranger and she needed to either change the situation or walk away.

Anna regularly discussed her heartaches regarding Zach with her mum. After a particularly bad fight, she told Guy, “I’m leaving Zach”. All Guy said was “You do that. And I’m going to marry you.”

Anna told her parents to have an intervention and that this time she needed to leave him. They suppported any decision she took but also wanted to hear him out, out of fairness. They all had a long conversation, and Anna agreed to try just a bit harder. For another week or two. So Anna cut off all contact with Guy in respect of her marriage.

At the end of the two week period, Anna was about to pack her bags to leave, when she felt faint. Zach took her to the Dr immediately, and he had some news for both of them…

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January 30, 2011 - Posted by | Uncategorized

8 Comments »

  1. like the proverbial Phoenix rising out of the ashes, good always follows adversity πŸ™‚

    Comment by Hussain | January 31, 2011 | Reply

  2. LOL… I will tell u much more about it in the next post πŸ˜€

    Comment by ana15a | January 31, 2011 | Reply

  3. Which is When?
    So heartbreaking 😦

    Comment by Naseema | January 31, 2011 | Reply

  4. Wow, I like this! She’s going to have some terrible, life threatening disease, isn’t she?

    Comment by Arriyetti | February 1, 2011 | Reply

  5. “So Anna cut off all contact with Guy in respect of her marriage.” the irony…

    Comment by Zahra | February 1, 2011 | Reply

    • how exactly is that ironic?

      Comment by ana15a | February 2, 2011 | Reply

  6. Zahra don’t judge until u have walked the path. Anna turned to the one outlet she knew she could talk to, and get a hearing. Not everything could be told to her parents, and did u expect to go out and make a new best friend at that time!

    Comment by Hoosen | February 2, 2011 | Reply

  7. Oh Zahra Virgin Mary, who died and made you God?? Like Hoosen said don’t judge until you walked that path. So keep your bek!

    Comment by Miss Malema | February 2, 2011 | Reply


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