The cracks in the ceiling…

Anna realised one thing. Her little princess was gone. Along with dreams and feelings. In Xena’s place, all that was left was a big hollow. Anna felt empty. The baby’s cot was empty, her arms were empty, the place where her child had grown in the past 9 months was empty, and her heart was empty.
Somehow, the rebuilding had to start somewhere. Anna summoned up the courage to text and email all her friends and family that her baby was gone. The calls, texts and visits flowed. But all Anna really wanted was to be alone and cry. In reality, even though she put on a brave front, Anna wanted to be dead with her little girl.

She emailed Guy to tell him what happened – very briefly – and he called. The first ten calls, she just stared at her ringing phone. On the eleventh call, she finally took his call. He cared for her, and was genuinely worried, but she wasn’t in a situation to reach out for him, even though she knew that he would protect her from herself and everyone else. She kept the conversation brief and formal, hung up and went back to her grieving.

She reached out to Zach and cried, non stop for hours. She couldn’t speak, she just let the tears flow. Zach held her, speechless. They were both in so much pain. They had planned so much around this little girl, now she was gone. They had no idea what to do. They had to go on.

The day after the funeral, Anna refused to see or talk to anyone. She stayed in her room crying. She truly felt that her life was over. Zach kept her company and was there for her.

By the next day, she had to make an effort but had no strength. Her mum found her on the floor crying and all Anna said to Haddie was “Please let me die as well”. Over and over again. Anna really was heartbroken. She had never felt like this in her life before and no one could help her but herself.

Anna tried reaching out to Zach, but he shut her out. He was in pain as well, but refused to share his feelings with her. Anna alternanted between insomnia and really bad nightmares where she woke up screaming in tears for her dead baby. She felt that life had been extremely cruel to her, but somehow had to go on.

Anna began spending more and more time with her parents, and less with Zach. He never spoke much to her about Xena, and when Anna brought up the subject his reply was always the same, “she’s gone Anna, let her be. Accept it and let her go.” Xena was never up for discussion, no matter how Anna felt.

Anna and Zach could not go 24hours without fighting and Anna ending up in tears. She ended up turning to Guy, for advice, for support, for his friendship. They spoke on email regularly, and Anna mentioned that she wanted to leave Zach as the situation was becoming unbearable.

Anna felt that all she was to Zach was someone to cook, keep the house clean and sleep with. There was no love left, no friendship, no companionship. She felt like she was living with a stranger and she needed to either change the situation or walk away.

Anna regularly discussed her heartaches regarding Zach with her mum. After a particularly bad fight, she told Guy, “I’m leaving Zach”. All Guy said was “You do that. And I’m going to marry you.”

Anna told her parents to have an intervention and that this time she needed to leave him. They suppported any decision she took but also wanted to hear him out, out of fairness. They all had a long conversation, and Anna agreed to try just a bit harder. For another week or two. So Anna cut off all contact with Guy in respect of her marriage.

At the end of the two week period, Anna was about to pack her bags to leave, when she felt faint. Zach took her to the Dr immediately, and he had some news for both of them…


January 30, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | 8 Comments

Not just one tragedy…

The call was from Haddie’s older sister. Haddie’s mother had passed away. Haddie, Derek (Anna’s father) and their immediate family had to leave immediately to Mozambique for the funeral. It killed Haddie to have to leave her beloved little granddaughter for even more than a minute, let alone for a few days. Haddie was particularly worried about Anna, Xena was her first baby and Anna was next to clueless to caring for her. Luckily, Haddie managed to make arrangements for round the clock checking up on Anna and Xena.
Anna was heartbroken. Four months earlier, she had lost Derek’s mum. And now Haddie’s mum was gone as well. She really wanted atleast one of her grandmothers to share in her joy of being a mother. The emotional pain was beyond words. It was also really painful, as the last time she had seen them both was the time of her wedding and now due to the circumstances, she was unable attend this grandmother’s funeral as well. Anna felt like her hands were tied and utterly helpless. It was an impossible situation – she always had deep care and affection for both her grandmothers and she didn’t say goodbye to either of them.
Anna held onto her baby and tried to absorb the situation. She thanked the Almighty for giving her this precious little being that was making her smile through the tears.
When Haddie and Derek embarked on the trip, Anna felt more alone than she had ever felt in her life. No Zach and no mum and dad. Just Anna, Xena and Anna’s brother Mark. Anna’s cousins were still around, but Anna was reluctant to ask for help.
Anna spent the weekend alternating between praying for her grandmother and telling baby Xena about Zach. It was emotionally draining, but she tried her utmost best not to fall into depression or cry so that Xena would not be affected.

On sunday night, Haddie arrived and on Monday morning Zach arrived. Anna cried with relief when Zach arrived. She felt so happy to have her husband by her. Xena stared for hours at her father – it was like she finally put a face to her father’s voice.

It was a really special week. Anna, Zach and Xena – as a family. It was so perfect. Zach did a lot for his girls. He woke up in the middle of the night, changed nappies, helped Haddie bathing the baby, brought Anna her meals in bed – in essence, he helped wherever he could. There were guests day and night and baby Xena was being showered with gifts. Anna was bursting with happiness.

On Friday night, Derek arrived from Mozambique and looked at Xena. He immediately told Anna that Xena wasn’t glowing as she did the day she was born. Anna shrugged it off.

That night, no one slept. Baby Xena cried all night, throwing up at intervals, refusing to feed. Anna and Zach were extremely worried. Everytime that Xena cried, Anna and Haddie cried as well. At 08h00, Xena began turning blue and gasping for air.

Haddie, Zach and Mark rushed Xena to the hospital and she was immediately put onto a breathing machine. Anna and Derek arrived half an hour later. All the doctors could say was, “we are trying all that we can” for the next 48hours. A lumbar puncture was performed and the truth was discovered on Monday morning – Xena had bacterial meningitis, septicamia (blood poisoning) and the meningitis had attacked her central nervous system. Even though Xena was a big baby, she was still 4 weeks premature and the meningitis bacteria had killed of 95% of her brain function. Basically, by Monday evening, little Xena was already brain dead and only the machines were keeping her alive. However, her physical situation was getting worse, there was a permanent needle on her head draining the liquid accumulated in her brain.

Anna could not bear to see what her precious little angel was going through. She was really hoping that it was nothing but the worst nightmare in her life. Unfortunately it was reality. And a huge one. All the doctors said was, if Xena had to stay on the machines, nothing would change. Anna and her family decided that it was time to let her go. This was all in the Almighty’s hands and whatever that He had decided with little Xena, everyone had to accept it.

Anna and Zach came to the decision to turn the machines off and accept that it was little Xena’s time to go. Anna and Zach kissed their little girl goodbye and Anna wept – she was completely broken.
She had kept this little girl inside of her for 9months,travelled halfway across the world back to JHB, went through a difficult birth, was alone when her baby was born – and now the Almighty was taking her away. Nothing that had happened and what was happening was within her control.
Anna felt numb, in shock and all she could do was pray. “Almighty, keep my little girl safe until the next time we see her.” Nothing further came from her mouth and from her heart. All Anna knew was, she needed to overcome this, day by day. And she was going to do it, regardless how she felt…

January 29, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | 4 Comments

An almost perfect week…

Anna found that Xena’s arrival had brought a new found peace & tranquility that she had never felt before. She had no idea what being a mother was about. Yes, she had read about it, in only about 40 different books and another 200 books. But reading other people’s experiences and absorbing your own feelings are two different things.
For starters, Anna had always been afraid of carrying new born babies. Xena was the first new born baby she had ever carried.
Anna had no idea how to bath a newborn, break her wind or dress her. She felt like she had just entered a brand new world. A world she was relishing every second of. Anna would not part from her daughter’s side, unless it was necessary. Haddie helped Anna in every way she could – bathing, wind breaking techniques, dressing Xena, and nappy changing. Anna needed all the help she was given, she was alone with Xena and she really missed Zach. She didn’t show it much, but everytime he called the tears came, and everyday she missed him more and more. Anna had to be strong for herself and the baby and braved the loneliness, despite her family’s help from all angles.
Anna really felt that Zach was being robbed of something, she just couldn’t put a finger on it somehow.
The day Anna returned from the hospital, she texted Guy. “Hi, I didn’t go back to the UK. The baby came early. Hope you’re well.”
Guy called immediately, and very reluctantly Anna took his call.
He called to congratulate her, she could hear the emotion in his voice. She smiled at the thought of Guy caring so much about her. She really wished that things had spanned in a different direction with Guy. Oh well, she thought, as long as we are friends now. That’s all that really matters.

Xena was a perfect baby. Every new mother’s dream. She slept for hours, ate well and never cried much. Anna maternal instincts kicked in at the hospital and she knew everytime her baby was hungry or needed a nappy change – before Xena needed to cry. Anna tended to every need of Xena’s with love and happiness. Anna’s heart was so full of love for this tiny person that at times, Anna felt like it was about to burst.

Zach was only due to arrive in three weeks. Anna missed him terribly and he could hear in her voice that everything was not ok. She needed her husband, she just didn’t tell him so. Zach did what he could and anticipated his plane ticket and was to arrive that weekend, to surprise his wife. Everything was planned with Haddie and Anna had no idea.

Zach was to leave on Sunday night from London and was scheduled to arrive on Monday morning. That Saturday morning however, tragedy struck. An early morning phonecall changed everyone’s plans for the weekend…

January 29, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Welcome Baby Xena

Well… Anna was definitely in labour.. And had been since approximately 17h00 that day. It was now 23h00.. Anna was scared. She really missed Zach. Nothing was going according to the plan. Little Xena wasn’t due to arrive for another 4 weeks! Zach was supposed to be here! Anna felt alone and was panicking. Yes, she had her family, but Zach was Xena’s father. In Anna’s mind, little Xena’s birth was to be shared between Anna and Zach. Zach had helped her through all the changes that pregnancy had put her through – both physically and emotionally. It was his right to be at his wife’s side for the birth of their first child.
Anna had to think fast, act fast – but most of all, she had to be strong to endure this journey to bring this little girl into the world in the best way possible, even though the circumstances were not according to plan. Suppose, we are make plans but the Almighty’s plans are the ones that really take shape.

Anna prayed to the Almighty to give the strength and courage to make it. The pain came and went, and the labour did not progress.
Anna spent the whole day waiting and waiting. The induction had no effect. Anna was beginning to panic, to the point that she was speechless and tears ran down her cheeks. Not a sound came from her. The nurses only knew about the contractions because of the machine that was attached to her.

At 18h00, the baby began to go into distress and have hiccups. Anna was exhausted from pain and constant exams, but most of all she was panicking that nothing was happening. The Dr eventually decided that Anna needs to go under the knife and this baby needs to come out – if this slow labour did not have any results, both mum and baby would not make it to see another day.

The theatre was booked, the aneasthesist was called in and Anna was wheeled in at exactly 19h00. Anna requested to be alone, as her family had been up all night and they all needed reassurance. Anna did not want anyone to see how scared she really was.

Anna was given the epidural, and at exactly 19h17, little Xena was born. She didn’t not cry. Instead, she gave a curious gurgle and turned in direction of Anna’s voice. She stared intently at Anna.

Xena was beautiful. Zach’s perfect nose. Milk white skin. Black spiky hair. Rosy cheeks. Deep dimples on her cheeks and one on her chin. Tall. 2.8kg. The epitome of perfection. The Dr proclaimed “the most beautiful little girl that I’ve ever delivered”.

Zach had been calling all day regardless of the time difference. He was excited and sad at the same time that he couldn’t be there for the birth of his little girl.

Calls and texts hailed from all over once the news that Xena had arrived had spread. Anna could do nothing but smile and weep tears of happiness. She felt lonely though, all she wanted was her beloved Zach to share in the birth of their little princess.

That night, Anna lay awake staring at her little girl. She constantly thanked the Almighty for her little blessing. She had never imagined that every single second of pain that she had went through was worth seeing this little person. Anna held her baby close to her and breastfed her. Then she held her in her arms and spoke to her softly, and smiled at her when Xena stared. Anna’s world was finally complete. She was a mother.

“I was born to do this”, she said. “We are going to be the most perfect family in the world, Xena. I love you, and your daddy loves you as well.”

Then Anna put Xena back in her crib to sleep, awaiting to be discharged from the hospital in order to begin her new role in life as Xena’s mother…

January 28, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

A blast from the past..

Anna opens the email. Hmmm.. Name is familiar. It couldn’t be. Or could it?? And yes it is. Guy. What could he possibly want? Its been over a year. Almost two to be precise. What is there to say to Guy after all this time.
All the email said was “hi.. Long time.. Where are you?”
Anna replied decently – she felt she owed him that – that she was doing fine and she was in the UK.
From there, the emails came and went as if nothing had happened. Anna sometimes forgot that she was married and shared her life with her former best friend. And that is exactly what she wanted from him. One day though, Anna decided that she could not live this “double” life and have her bread buttered on both sides. She was playing a dangerous game and it could have consequences. She was in danger of losing everything that was so perfect – her baby, her home, her husband and her marriage. Yes, Zach and Anna had up’s and down’s but every couple fights and no one is perfect. She wanted her marriage to work – Guy didn’t give her that and she was not going to let him take that away from her!
And she told Guy that their friendship had reached the end of the line. That day, Guy finally opened up to her. “Come to JHB, Anna. I will marry you, look after you and the baby – I will treat her as if she is mine. I have always loved you and we belong together.”
Anna had waited so long to hear this – the timing was so wrong. She was 6months pregnant with Zach’s baby. She needed to make her marriage work. Anna could not throw everything into thin air for a love story in a page of her life that she had torn out and ripped to shreds.
It was too late for Anna and Guy and she told him so. They would always be friends, she said, but no more. She always wished him well. He would always be important to her – regardless what the circumstances in their respective lives were.

However, Anna hid something from Guy. She loved him deeply and passionately. And she couldn’t bring these words to her lips, let alone type them in an email to Guy. She put on a brave face and decided to walk away from the loe of her life in order to give baby Xena the life she deserved – doting parents, who are happily married.

She still kept in contact with Guy. An occasional email. But she knew her limits and never exceeded herself.

March arrived and it was time to board the plane to JHB. Anna was excited to see her parents. Her brother came to London to fetch her so that she wouldn’t travel alone – Zach was to stay a month longer.

She hugged and kissed Zach at the airport, full of tears in her eyes. She was really going to miss her companion, her husband and the father of her baby.

On arrival at the airport, Anna wept with happiness at the sight of her parents. She hadn’t seen her father in almost 18months and had missed him terribly.

She still kept contact with Guy letting him know her whereabouts, but she told him that under no condition she wanted to meet him. Her life had a different path now. He needed to respect that. The time for the baby to arrive was nearing and she didn’t want issues with anything. She loved Zach and they were a family. Guy respected that and kept his distance.

Three weeks after her arrival in Johannesburg, Anna began feeling backpain. It was a Friday. Late afternoon. The pain was recurring, and every hour it was getting stronger. Anna kept quiet, until Zach called. Zach knew something was wrong when Anna said her back is so sore she has to sit on the floor, and she didn’t have a lot to say except “I am in pain”. Zach called for Haddie and told her to take Anna to the hospital.

Anna was adamant that she was fine. That night, Anna’s dad arrived with Anna’s cousins and their kids. Anna hardly ate and barely spoke a word due to the pain. Anna’s cousin looked at Anna and repeated Zach’s words. Take her to the hospital.

It was 23h00 when they arrived at the hospital. They went straight to the maternity ward and the nurse on duty confirmed what Zach and Anna’s cousin had thought initially. The time had come for baby Xena to arrive…

January 27, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Preparing for parenthood

Anna and Zach were over the moon on the discovery of this little fact. They were going to bring a little person into the world. Anna really wanted a little boy while Zach wanted a little girl. They planned the arrival of the baby for the months to come.

Pregnancy was rather hard on Anna. The fainting was due to her already low blood pressure going further down due to the baby. Constant heartburn meant lack of appetite. And the worse was the all day morning sickness. However, Zach tended to her every need with constant devotion to his wife and unborn baby.

Some days Anna was too ill to leave the bed for work, other days she had insomnia. On these occasions, Zach often woke up at 2am to find Anna loading laundry and simultaneously vacuuming the flat. Pregnancy was exhausting to Anna’s body and she was losing weight constantly due to the lack of appetite. She also miscarried about three times. But once the first trimestre was over, Anna began to feel better and she was looking great and showing a tiny little bump.

Anna & Zach made tiny adjustments to their day to day lives  in order for Anna’s well being to improve – like cutting out red meat completely and not eating out at all. Anna could not stand the sight of red meat let alone cook it & eating out just made her ill. Anna began to glow and enjoy all the attention from her doting husband and the little person growing inside of her. They also shopped endlessly. Anna particularly enjoyed going to Hamley’s in the middle of winter for toy shopping til midnight. She felt like she was 2 years old once again and was a little princess in a castle. They spent hours there choosing the ideal toys for their unborn baby. Hamley’s has got to be toy paradise for anyone who is young at heart, and the hopeless romantic that Anna is, it was paradise for her as well.

That night, they had dinner at Haagen Daaz at Picadilly Circus. Anna loved the pancakes with double chocolate chip ice cream scoops and hot chocolate sauce – it was the best thing she had eaten since her appetive had taken a walk. It was an unforgettable moment. A loved woman. Pregnant. Dinner with her husband. Anna wanted the moment to last forever.

That winter, for their anniversary, Zach decided to treat Anna to a trip to her native Lisbon. It was not as cold as it was in London and Lisbon’s shops had everything she needed to start shopping for their new baby. Anna planned the trip and was overly excited. Things were looking great and things improved drastically when Anna accepted a job down the road from Zach. Now they travelled together and Zach could protect his “family” in the mad rush during peak traffic at the tube stations.

A  week before they were to embark on the trip however, Anna received devastating news. Her beloved grandma, her father’s mum, had passed on. The last time Anna had seen her was on her wedding day and she had planned on introducing her bundle of joy to her lovely grandmother. Most of all though, she was distraught that she could not be there for her beloved father on the occasion of the passing of his precious mother. She mourned her grandmother’s death from far. Praying and hoping her dad would be fine. She called and texted more often than she regularly did  in order to fill the space with her dad. She really pined for her parents more than ever and told Zach something he was dreading to hear. They needed to move back. They could not raise this little baby alone. She needs grandparents and being the first grandchild on both sides, it was selfish of them to deny the grandparents their right to a part of the baby’s life. Zach saw Anna’s reason & very reluctantly agreed.

They also agreed on starting to pack for the move once they return from Portugal. The trip went without glitches, they got to see alot in a week. Anna shopped for the little baby to her heart’s content and got to see her family residing there. Anna and Zach were happy.  They returned and went to the Dr for the second scan and decided to find out the baby’s gender. It was a little girl. A beautiful little girl that they had decided to call Xena. They cried in happiness and both agreed that they wanted to give this little girl the best of everything – be it materialistic and all the love that she could possibly need.

Life went on without glitches, until Anna recieved an email one morning out of the blue…

January 27, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | 5 Comments

The Chronicles of London

Zach & Anna started married life alone, in a different country, in a different continent. For Anna, who was accustomed to being “Daddy’s little princess” this was definitely a huge adjustment.

Gone were the days of domestic workers and mum cooking. What she didn’t know, she had to figure out. On her own. Mum was a phonecall away, in a different continent, in a different time zone.

However, living the London dream was definitely beautiful. London is the centre of the world. Everything is on your doorstep thanks to the tube and the transport system. Anna felt like a little canary let out of her cage. So much exploring to do. Alone and with her husband. London and all its sights. England. Europe.

For her first birthday as his wife, Zach took Anna to Kingston upon Thames. It was an ice cold winter’s day. But the sights were beautiful. Photograph after photograph flowed. Of newly wedded smiles. Of happiness. Anna seemed to be content with this new life. No reminders of Guy. A new world waiting to be discovered. Every day something new and this excitement kept Anna on her toes. She thrived on this and it filled her world with happiness. Slowly, she was falling in love with Zach.

Anna and Zach both worked and had their their little love nest. A one bedroom little flat furnished and decorated to suit both their tastes. This was tricky as they hardly knew each other and needed to learn alot about each other. This had good days, really great days and it occasionally had bad days. It was like being in school. However, not having anyone nearby to complain to or moan about the other really made them work through their crap as they only had each other.

Weekends was the same lovely routine. Spring cleaning, laundry, football on the telly and dinner somewhere. Every weekend they discovered a new place to eat. Edgeware Road. Paddington. London Bridge (Millie’s cookies & Pies!!!). Upton Park. Southall. The list is endless. Edgeware Road stood out for the Arab atmosphere that Anna loved. The shisha pipes and Arab cuisine enchanted her to no end. As well as listening to the Arab’s speaking English.

Anna was happy. Her life was full in all aspects. Zach filled up Anna’s dreams of being the perfect husband. Protecting her from everything. Life was beautiful. Nothing further was needed until Anna began to have some niggling health issues.

Anna’s mum came to London from Johannesburg to see to Anna in the summer (June/July) after the wedding. Anna and Zach took Anna’s mum, Haddie, sight seeing all over London. They went to Blue Water Shopping Centre outside London and Anna felt like Anjali in Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham.

Haddie, however, was extremely worried about Anna’s health. Anna was not well and visits to the Dr just told them one thing. She needed a procedure done in order to ever be able to have a baby. All contraception was to be stopped immediately.

The procedure was booked and Haddie’s flight to Johannesburg delayed. On the morning of the procedure, however, Haddie’s maternal intuition got the better of her and told Anna that she should wait a few more weeks and go for a check up. Anna agreed and went sight seeing with Haddie that day. It was extremely hot in London that day, and in the tube stations, temperatures had risen to 45 degrees Celcius. Anna suddenly felt faint and almost passed out. Haddie had a slight suspicion but kept it to herself.

Zach had a sudden bout of unexplained gastric flu & out of nowhere Anna experienced really really bad heartburn. Zach knew something was up. Out of nowhere Zach bought a pregnancy test and forced Anna to take the test. Anna thought it was a joke. She was still reeling from the conversation from the Dr earlier in the month that she was unable to concieve at the present time. But this constant heartburn & fainting spells. So she took the test and it was positive. Anna was over the moon.. She and Zach were going to be parents.. They were bringing a little person into this world.. Concieved out of their love… 🙂

January 27, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

A whirlwind romance…

“I try so hard to tell myself that you’re gone” Evanescence – my immortal…

Those were the words Anna lived by. Day and night. To push Guy’s memories into a locked tomb. Out of her mind. Out of her soul.

Everyday she woke up, looked in the mirror and told herself. He’s gone. Deal with it.

Along came Zach. He was the complete opposite of Guy. Nice to talk to. A nice friend. The emails and texts preceeded. Back and forth. No strings attached. Zach was residing in the UK, although he was South African. Working, making a living.

Zach came to Johannesburg on holiday. And it so happened that Zach’s family lived in the same vicinity where Anna resided.

They met for coffee and hooked up. To Anna, it was casual. To Zach, he wanted marriage. Anna offered him the companionship and after 2 days, Zach proposed. Anna thought it was a joke because Zach was due back in London within a week. She laughed it off.

Anna and Zach kept in contact via telephone, text and email. Speaking everyday and Zach convincing her to marry him. Anna was being treated like a princess. So she said, why not? Besides, this gave her what she really needed. A chance to live in her dream country – The United Kingdom.

Exactly a month from the day that Zach and Anna met for the first time, Zach’s family did the indian thing of a proposal and a formal date setting. 6 weeks later.
17 December 2005.

Anna did the adult thing and sent Guy a nice text. “Hi, I’m getting married in december and moving out of SA. Take care xx”

The preparations began. Anna succeeded in pushing Guy into a forgotten crevice of her mind and concentrated full force on her fairytale dream wedding and her move to the land where dreams are made of – London.

Anna’s dreams were finally materialising. A husband, a companion, a fairytale wedding. The European Dream. A childhood obsession with London was finally coming true.

A week before the wedding, Anna did the adult thing and emailed Guy, asking him to forgive her for any shortcomings and remember her in his prayers as she was beginning a new chapter in her life. He didn’t reply. Anna didn’t bother nor did it hurt. Her new life was commencing less than a week away.

The day arrived. Anna looked like a princess. A Victorian Wedding Gown. Mehndhi as is the Muslim tradition. A beautiful venue decorated the way Anna had chosen in all her favourite colours. Everything was perfect and went off smoothly. Anna and Zach were now husband and wife.

Two days later, all the bags were packed and it was time to jump on the plane. Anna was excited. She was enjoying being Zach’s wife and ready for this new adenture.

Anna hugged her parents goodbye and held her tears in until she boarded the plane. Then the emotions got the better of her. Zach took her in his arms and told her to cry it all out. She was safe with him. Everything was going to be ok.

Zach eventually fell asleep on the plane. Anna, however, could not sleep. The exhaustion due to the wedding was having a reverse effect and she was too tired to sleep. Couple that with the douchebag one row ahead who laughed all the way from Johannesburg until the plane stopped over in Dubai. Anna had a bad headache when the plane came to a halt.

The laughing douchebag stands in the aisle with his parents, looks over at Anna and says, “hey you’re Anna from MSN and I’m Seth. We used to chat last year”. All Anna does is stare at him with her very unimpressed face and mutters “umm yeah” very rudely and walked off into the airport.

In Dubai, Zach and Anna enjoy a very late dinner, board the plane and fall asleep. They needed the energy for the rush hour of London. They will be arriving at 6am in Heathrow International Airport. And at London Bridge Station at 7.15am. In the blistering cold of December…

January 26, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Learning to live without him…

Anna did not realise the impact Guy made on her life until the day she decided to move on. From that day, every breathing second of her life somehow revolved around Guy. Strange though.. Her firm resolve seem to disappear with each memory of him. Some days, there were more memories of Guy than seconds in a day. A place. A movie. A word. Even a smell. Something always had Guy’s mark.

The memories alternated between physical need and emotional dependance. What Anna struggled to fathom was – what was worse.

She missed her best friend, the only person in the world she could be herself with, his voice made her smile, chatting to him made her soul happy.

Anna missed Guy physically. The protective hugs, lingering kisses that stopped time and kicked the breath out of her lungs, how he smelt when he held her close. Anna missed how her body responded to his touch and somehow, nothing or no one could come close. There was a way that her fingers fitted so perfectly between his and missing that brought physical pain to her heart.
Their song constantly came to haunt her – both in bright daylight and in her dreams while fast asleep. DJ Sammy’s words constantly ripped her heart and soul to pieces with “baby you’re all that I want when you’re lying here in my arms, I’m finding it hard to believe that we’re in heaven.”
All she visualised when those words played, was the last time she had been with Guy. She had been 21, young, and all she had wanted at that moment was for him to love her unconditionally and eternally. That eternity lasted 2 weeks, sadly.

Anna decided not to wallow in depression and had this basic human need to survive. The circumstances were irrelevant.
She was young, beautiful and had so much to offer – love, companionship and commitment. Guy had turned those down.

Anna lifted her head up high – ignoring her bleeding heart that was crying out for Guy – and decided to turn her life around.

No longer did she dare listen to Westlife or soppy Bollywood music about love. Anna focused on what was good for her healing.

Anna travelled, met new people, made new friends. Anna had a sudden interest in Europe due to her travels and made friends there. One of them caught Anna’s eye. They became friends. And Anna found love again…

January 26, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

A stock take of all the heartache

Anna decides that the time has come to re-evaluate her life and everything about it..
She constantly thinks of Guy – day in day out. The good memories – to be honest, they were the best memories of her life.
However, this relationship with Guy had a lot of bad bits sticking out, everywhere you looked.
Constant cheating from Guy
Psycho ex wife
Rumours and gossip that tainted both Anna and Guy from mutual friends
Guy’s inability to tell the truth about who he is really dating at any specific point in life
The constant fighting

All of this convinced Anna that Guy wasn’t the man for her – regardless what the loud voice in her heart told her.
Her every heartbeat mentioned Guy’s name. Every breath she took, every thought running in her head, all her dreams, all her waking moments – she thought of no one else. Just Guy. Only Guy.

Regardless of all of these conflicting thoughts and feelings – Anna went on living. Faking a happiness. She left her fate in the hands of the Almighty and just carried on. Her prayers gave her the strength she needed to carry on.

Everyday she still missed him and despite the loss of communication – she loved him and yearned for his love. But day by day, one step at a time, the feeling faded a bit. A very tiny bit, but enough to help her through the day, let her sleep and enough to summon strength to get through the next day.
It was emotionally draining – but family love and support helped in a lot of ways..

In this journey of self discovery, Anna healed.. And Anna discovered love.. Again… With someone across the globe…

January 26, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments